You see them from across the room. You’re instantly attracted. Your curiosity flies off the charts. They come up and introduce themselves. You’re even more intrigued. You go on a date. You kiss. You can’t stop thinking about them when you’re apart. You fall in love. You move in together.
How can such a prelude to what seems like a GRAND love story end in such heartache?
There is this thing….it’s like a drug…it makes us feel so damn good…..and it can be hazardous to our health. That, my friends, is called infatuation. When we’re infatuated we feel high. We also don’t see clearly. Even when there is a huge blinking red neon sign, we don’t get the message.
“I won’t be ready for kids in at least 5 years.” [Through heart-shaped rosy glasses] you say to yourself, “Oh, you say that now, but you’ll come around…”
“I don’t want a serious relationship.” [Through heart-shaped rosy glasses] “Oh, you say that now, but you’ll come around…”
As the relationship evolves, those issues come up. You argue.
In the end, you find a way to push those arguments to the side and act like it’s not that big of a deal.
Why? It’s easy. You’re hoping your partner will change.
And this, dear readers, is the biggest mistake you can make in any stage of a relationship.
3 things happen when you hope that your partner will change:
- You’re not accepting your partner for who they are:
My former partner wanted to be Peter Pan. In fact, I believe he thinks he is Peter Pan. He was always so happy. So positive. And he wanted things to be that way all the time. He wanted to fly. I thought he was so immature. I mean, he’s 7 years younger, what did I expect? I thought that in a few years when he’s a little bit older, he would change. I celebrated his two birthdays that we spent together like the birth of Jesus Christ. I praised and threw down some Hallelujahs! I couldn’t wait for him to be older.
But the truth is, there is nothing wrong with Peter Pan. What a beautiful character. We need more Peter Pans in this world. Peter Pan, however, just doesn’t suit my needs as a romantic partner. And that was never my partner’s fault. He is who he is. And it’s enough.
Let’s say that your partner doesn’t like it when you get moody. In general, nobody likes a moody person. Yet, we can’t all have top-notch days. And the more your partner resists your moodiness, the more you start to feel bad about yourself. The more you want to change because you don’t feel like you’re good enough. Now, I am a HUGE advocate of personal development and in striving to be the best versions of ourselves. But, there is a VERY big difference between your partner encouraging you to be a better version of yourself, and your partner wanting you to change.
Some guys are better at handling certain characteristics and personalities than others. I wanted Peter Pan to be able to handle my moments of moodiness in a different way. I wanted Peter Pan to be somebody else.
But he wasn’t. So I started to feel bad about myself. And it wasn’t his fault, it was mine for wanting him to change.
Or how about this common scenario. The guy you’re dating tells you he doesn’t want a serious relationship. So you convince yourself and him that you can keep it casual so that he accepts you.
And what a shame this is because you’re not accepting yourself. If you’re ready to love with all of your heart, there is nothing more beautiful than that in this world, dear readers. Never do yourself such a disservice. Allow yourself to be accepted just as you are, no filters. Someone out there is waiting to embrace everything you have to offer wholeheartedly.
- You create a future that isn’t real:
This whole idea that he’ll grow up or she’ll come around is speaking about a future that isn’t real. We only have the present, people. And even though we can indeed grow up and come around, expecting or hoping that your partner will one day should NEVER be the basis of any relationship.
I wanted my partner to grow up. I wanted him to want to have a baby with me in the near future. But I was on my time and he was on his.
The last guy I dated told me a couple of months after we started dating that he didn’t want a serious relationship. Damn, I had completely misread his efforts and actions and was quite surprised.
We had so much in common. We connected instantly. We had 4-hour deep conversations effortlessly. We had chemistry.
And none of that mattered. He didn’t want a serious relationship.
I was hoping that he’d turn the corner quicker than he did. I created a false future for he and me.
Take what a person is telling and showing you in the present moment to heart.
I tend to be a hopeful romantic, hoping that things will change because they will change.
But that’s only doing a dishonor to the person you’re with.
And a bigger dishonor to yourself.
Either accept, and love with all you have. Or not accept, and wish them well.
Do you have any insights to share? I’d love to hear from you! And if you know someone who could benefit from this post, please pass it on. Thank you greatly!